Outpour of a broken heart

Outpour of a broken heart:

I know I should quit being silly, always hoping for a love that could never be. My passion for love is perhaps dying out, and yet it is revived every now and then…when I remember your face, your faces…when I gather your faces together again, the faces I had fought to forget.

I have never been in a mutual and open love; never experienced it though sometimes too often, I secretly hoped I would. Why oh why is my heart so tender with love for you…why is it so easily stolen? Yet perhaps I am inadequate to be with you… or to be with anyone I would ever come to love genuinely much.

You know I like you, or perhaps you have a hint of knowledge. I can see it in your eyes, just like how my love for you is so readable by your stare. I am sorry I like you, sir A. You have a wife; I realize. I’m sorry; I was just told today that you have a wife. You didn’t look that old to me, but now perhaps it’s possible you look married.

I’m not sorry that I like you. I’m sorry that you are so much older than I, at least a couple of years, and that you are married. I’m sorry for myself that we were never meant to be. My heart is slightly pained that I seem to never be able to find a mutual and open love I have longed for since many years ago – echoing the tragic end of an infatuation for you. How many times…how many times sir, do I have to come across someone like you to have my heart shattered again and again? How many?

Why….why…why? Why do I love you so? It would be better if I never did. Or perhaps a short-lived virtual romance is better than none? I don’t know…

Lastly…lastly, sir A, I love you… I loved you.

Goodbye…

Sir B – I can’t get you out of my head, gentleman. I can’t. I was in turmoil last night, suffering from insomnia and sleeplessness, and then your name rang in my head. Again and again; the thoughts were relentless, though I have suppressed my liking for you even to myself for…3 months now? I can’t remember how long sir B, I have denied my feelings for you. But your name was persistent in keeping me awake last night, although I tried hard to get back to sleep. I couldn’t. For very long, I couldn’t sleep and was in distress. I sat up on my bed and prayed to God about you and I. I prayed, for once in a very long while, that I would be with you if He permits. I don’t think He permits. At least I was never ever lucky with love. I am sorry I like you sir B. I swear you are one of the guys I have been infatuated with the most since I was conceived from the womb. I remember messing with my hair in the past when I couldn’t sleep at night, in distress over liking you – because I knew we would never be. My hair; I think it did fall out to some extent. I like you so much sir B, that I could die for you even though we are not even acquaintances. By dying, I mean taking the stab of a knife or the impact of a crashing car in place of you. Sir B, if I can save your life even once, it would be an absolute honor for me because I know you excel in life and yours is a life worth saving.

I read in a book titled “Devotion for Teens” yesterday that giving one’s heart away means loving without expecting to be loved in return, being so focused on meeting the needs of others that we forget our own wants. Sir B, I read that page because I couldn’t sleep and needed relief from my painful infatuation. When I read it, I thought of you. I was crying, of course, but it was for good reason. Sir B, I knew then that I have the capacity to love you, even from afar. I have the capacity to channel my love for you to loving the people around me and caring for them, meeting their needs and sometimes forgetting my wants.

You have been a great inspiration to me, sir B, even from afar. I have come so far in my walk with God because you have been my secret inspiration too; being the godly and spiritual man you are, excelling in aspects of your life too.

I know you love deeply, though your facade is ‘hard’ and cool. Therefore, sir B, I shall learn to love my Heavenly Father and all others like you do. No; more than you do, provided I have the capacity to love so very much!
Lastly sir B…maybe it’s time to forget you after this post…Maybe it’s time to place you back into the recesses of my mind where it’s safe…till I pass you by again. And…please do smile like you did last time, though that was when your look first struck me and I liked you.

Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day, with eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills, in colors on the snowy linen land...

Vincent Van Gogh must be able to understand the half of me if he were alive now...the depths of my soul.

What is dreamland? This is dreamland, the place of eternal longing. The perfect picture of impossible beauty, that one must die to see. The unreachable perfection.

This is grief..the dead souls scattered on no man's land. The wives and the people weeping. This is grief; everything coloured in grey and white.

What is hope? This is hope..

Deaf people can hear in their sleep, in their dreams..

Morning rays shining down upon you.

This is salvation.

Bored...

Sitting solitarily in my room, there was a compulsion to write:

I love you before I know you.

Your name, whatever it is, is engraved in my heart so that I should never forget.
I have a lifetime to know you, whenever I should find you. I'm missing you before we've met; or with the knowledge that I am yours and you are mine....

Yes, this is how bored I've become...wondering back into the recesses of dreamland, the land I created in my head.

Angels and Demons~

When I'm good, I am really good.

I behave like an angel.

When I'm bad, I become a monster.

Which is what I'm feeling like right now. ><

The fallen angel - Lucifer. Is he toying with me?

One moment I'm really nice. I smile even when I get criticised.

I tolerate you. I am kind towards you.

I put you first before myself. I give in to you.

I go to school. I tolerate the boredom.

I try to lift my friends' spirits up.

I am strong for them.

When I snap, and I don't know why,

I feel only evil. And the good cannot overcome it.

Malice, greed, deceit, sin... all the bad things that exist...

It becomes my way of living.

Why? Lucifer was such a beauty, such a gem.

But he fell.

Lucifer gives me evil desires.

And I can't elude them. They overwhelm me.

Satan, go away. Go away.

But I know nothing...

When humans are merely "trash"...

I am unapologetic to say this.

Humans are not trash; humans as a general term, inclusive of women AND all Jews.

I was sluggishly seated in KI tutorial class today, the first class of the morning, holding my

breath as the smell in T19 is just horrendous, putrifying, disgusting and ... (you get what I

mean)! Mr Wong Yew Leung handed us students a set of articles to read up on. It was largely a

reading session for tutorial today.

The topic that applies to the set of articles: A God of Bullies

First article that stirred my anger titled "They were punished for trying to decide for

themselves about their marriages".

"In July 2008, five women were reportedly buried alive in Balochistan province,

Pakistan. Three teenage girls attempted to marry men of their choosing, against the

wishes of Tribal elders. They were kidnapped along with two older women who were

accompanying them; all five were driven to a desert area by men belonging to the

Umrani tribe, according to local reports. The three girls were beaten and shot and

were thrown, still alive, into a ditch and covered with dirt and stones; when the

other women protested they got the same treatment.

The Pakistan Tribune reported that there seemed to be a consensus among tribal

leaders on the issue:

None of the leading Pashtoon or Baloch leaders have spoken a single critical word

on this tragedy so far, as they prefer to respect the tribal decisions of killing their own
women in the name of honour.

In August, when details of the crime had begun to emerge, Senator Yasmeen Shah

spoke in the Pakistani parliameny to protest the murders. She was interrupted by

Senator Israrullah Zehri from Balochistan, who said the killing or burial of women

alive for 'honour' is a tribal tradition and should not be 'portrayed negatively'. He

asked members not to politicize the issue, as it is a matter safeguarding tribal

traditions.

In Lashkar Gah, Afghanistan, the majority of female prisoners are serving 20-year

sentences for being raped. The system makes no distinction between women who

have chosen to have sex with a man and women who have been raped: both are a

crime that carries a maximum penalty of 20 years in prison. A high-ranking regional

security officer, Colonel Ghulamm Ali, told a reporter for the Independent, 'In

Afghanistan whether it is forced or not forced it is a crime because the Islamic rules

say that it is.'

This is what makes religious law so oppressive: religious law is 'sacred' law and as

such is above mere human needs and wishes. It is sacred and thus sacrosanct: fixed,

peremptory and inviolate. It makes no difference how unjust and irrational it is to

punish women for being raped; it is a crime because the Islamic rules say that it is."

In another incident, Ahmedi Begum, a 55-year-old widow in Lahore, Pakistan, was savagely

raped over and over with two other young women by police officers for....nothing. She claims

many policemen came through the room they were held in that night. "It could have been fifty."

As she puts it: "I will never forget their laughter, their shouting."

Extracted from the article itself:

"In the morning the policemen dragged her outside, held her face down and beat her

with a wide leather strap. The beating stopped suddenly - then she found herself

screaming and screaming - she felt as though her insides were on fire. A policeman

had shoved a truncheon covered with fiery chilli paste up her rectum with such force

that her rectum was ruptured, and the chilli paste burned like acid."

A truncheon is a thick long stick used by police, also known as "cudgel, baton, night

stick, club, sap and bludgeon". Here was a women who had just been savagely raped

and obviously thoroughly injured. Yet she, being 55, had her rectum damaged with a

truncheon pushed forcefully into her rectum AND with chilli paste that must have

stung and hurt like crazy. She lost consciousness and is left with a "chronically

ulcerated rectum and shame. Now you know why my heart boils. That is NOT the

end of it...

"The police tried to bribe Begum to drop her case against them. An official told her

it would be bad for the police and the country if the men were punished. Begum was

unmoved, and the officers were charged, but they were never tried: they were

trasnferred to different areas, as was the trial; the witnesses could not afford the

travel expenses, and that was the end of that.

Under Pakistan's Hudood Ordinance, introduced by General Zia ul Haq in 1979 as

part of his programme of Islamization, a woman making accusation of rape had to

provide four Muslim men of good standing as witnesses to the crime. If she failed to

provide such witnesses, the woman would be charged with zina, for which the

prescribed punishment was flogging or stoning, though such punishments were

never actually carried out in Pakistan. According to Human Rights Watch, however,

thousands of women were imprisoned as a result of unsuccessful charges of rape.

The result was that rape could be committed with impunity in Pakistan."

These are NOT isolated cases of appalling injustice and ruthlessness towards

women in the name of religion. These distortions of religious claims are conducted

across countries and are repeatedly used to defend against charges of rape and

abuse by men.

The following are just some titles of many of the articles on cruelty and violence

towards women and girls thereafter:

" We are just complying with the laws of Allah, so we don't have anything to worry about"

"A crusade against 'unchaste' behaviour"

"I would love to send Adijah to school, but I really need her to work"

"Her face was bruised and bloated from beatings"

"You have grown old. Now who is going to feed you?"

"She would have run away, like Fauziya, if she had been old enough" (remark: This is on forced Female Genital Mutilation!!)

"Life for the women in Taliban was no more than being cows in sheds"

"Generations of women had sacrificed their feelings to preserve the work of God"

"Mami, they are not treating me"

Time and time again, religious ideas are being DISTORTED and manipulated with

to take advantage of, oppress, suppress and take control over females. I am

thoroughly disturbed and infuriated by this. Yes, forgiveness stands. But something

must be done about this. This is PRESENT day oppression and outright violation

of human rights. The females are merely toys and 'trash' for the males in the regions

with "old-fashioned" ideas crafted to EXCUSE themselves for any blame and claim

of abuse and rape. The male leaders are clearly afraid to change laws or policies, lest

they lose their advantageous position over females and SUPERIORITY over them.

They want to concentrate control and authority into their own hands. I say:

MOVE OVER!

So does God hate women? No.

If anything, most religions have recurring messages about justice, compassion and

agape. They, the perpetuators of morality, however, worship a god who sides with

the strong against the weak, a god who cheers for privilege and punishes

egalitarianism. Evidently, they are either morally corrupted or they have severely

distorted religious teachings.

It is decades ago that Adolf Hitler severely denigrated the Jewish race and distorted

the idea of race to distinguish the superior people from the inferior ones. His motive

was to wipe out the Jews on account that they were "trash" and "pollution" to

society, that they were unworthy to live; that they deserved to be heavily despised,

mistreated and killed. It's appalling some took in his ideas and make EXTRA

efforts to destroy the Jews, even when it was inconvenient. Hitler went as far as to

extend his Jewish massacre to Sweden and other parts of the world.

His violent treatment of and plain cruelty and sadism towards the Jews is paralleled

with the appalling treatment towards the female race in certain countries and cultures

today.

My take: OLD-FASHIONED and cruel brain-washing ideas should be done away

with. We should not close an eye to permit such happenings in society, even if it does

not directly affect us. Humans are different in body built when it comes to males

versus females. Yet we all have something similar, called the spirit, which many

from various faiths would agree with. Our spirits are of the SAME KIND regardless

of the flesh we are born into.

How then can men claim they have a right to abuse, torment or oppress women?

No doubt men have a physical dominance over women.

That's about as far as the truth goes.

All humans have a spirit: Most people of various faiths believe this.

So then, if women are "trash to be dealth harshly with", SO ARE MEN.

BUT...the fact remains that EVERY human is precious, men and women alike.

We are called to love one another, NOT to love every man, BUT to love EVERY ONE!

When I first read the articles on men bullying women in line with god's

will as they were so eager to believe, I felt a strong compulsion to stand

up for females. But I'm not a feminist. I stand up for whatever is

just, right, moral and good and TRUTHFUL. I stand up for truth, not

lies that humans conceive in their wicked minds. I'm not perfect. But in

this respect, I stand up for the TRUTH that all humans are precious and

must be loved.

I felt like going all out for those victims and those yet to come. I felt

that I wanted to channel efforts into eradicating corrupted mindsets,

even if I have to die in the course. I am grieved.

But we CAN do something.

It hurts~

It hurts because....

Dear Blog,

it hurts because I hate his touch. He is my friend, nothing more than a friend.

He doesn't know that I hate his touch, but I DO.

Well, I have been told by my friends to either avoid him or tell him STRAIGHT in the face to

stop it.

I AM doing my best to avoid him.

Someday I'll have to forgive him..

It hurts because I am infatuated with this really hot sports guy in my school.

He is tall and has really pretty eyes. He is totally qualified to be a male model.

But it was a thing of "infatuation at first sight", which I know will not work out because I don't

even know his name or whetherhe's in my batch or not.

It hurts because I do not know him personally and probably will not ever.

It hurts because this reminds me of recently when I was infatuated with this 20 something guy

whom I could only see from a distance. I know the pain.

It hurts.

It hurt so much I cried. And I was in agony for very very very long.

But I know that God takes the pain away.

This blog is a blog of HOPE, not despair.

My God sets me free. :) :)

It hurts because my elder sister never respects me. Or at least she doesn't show that she

respects me. She says things that shame me; probably she isn't even aware.

She scolds me just because I bathe really long and she ca't use the toilet, when she hadn't even

told me earlier she wanted to use it. She scolds me wheneverI do something at her own expense,

but she doesn't ever seem to consider when she does something at my expense. I am upset

because somehow or other I managed to forgive her for saying something hurtful to me,

yet she doesn't realise and goes on to be insensitive towards me.

Perhaps she feels I am insensitive towards her as well, because I am unkempt and disorganised

when she is totally intolerant of that.

Well, one trait of my illness which she might not know is that we tend to be disorganised.

I know I can't use that as an excuse forever..

She threatens to throw my stuff away if I leave them carelessly on the table in the room where I

sleep. She tends to be bossy towards me.

I do my best not to argue back or show my temper. Sometimes I show that I'm annoyed,

though. I have tried. But I feel she isn't nice towards me.

What can I do? I'll pray to God.

And just like He has washed away my hurts, He will wawsh away all these hurts as well. :)

I won't pretend to be happy or to have forgiven others completely.

I won't pretend that I have a high self esteem.

I will pray to God and all these things will come to fruition for REAL.

Then I will give God my thanks.

But even now, I shall praise God because He is Jehovah Jireh, my provider.

This will never change in spite of my circumstance, yesterday, today or tomorrow.

I am filled with grief, but He shall deliver me. :D :D :D

I am most likely going to watch 'Orphan' with my cell group later after church servive.

I am glad.

This post is one that has been delayed for a loooooooooooong time.

It is a post dedicated to thanking the Lord for people around me; my brothers and sisters in

Christ. My senior Diana Teo, who first introduced me to City Harvest Church when she brought

me to 'LOUD camp' (her zone camp) touched me when she was all understanding and loving

even when I revealed to her my decision to withdraw from the council some time ago.

I know that the council meant alot to her, she as the ex vice president of it, was completely

passionate about it. Yet by the grace of God, she even told me that she admires my courage to '

admit my limitations when withdrawing from the Council as it is not easy to be seen as 'pulling

out' of something; a commitment.

Yes. I did it in my best interests. I want to do so many other things in life and I was so stressed

up and really couldn't cope with so many council responsibilities, school's fast pace and social life

+ my personal issues.

I figured something had to go.

It sure wasn't going to be church activities.

Nor would it be forgoing my grades. It had to be my beloved CCA - The Students' Council.

I still love it much and have much pride in it. I love my friends there and we still keep in

touch and are close. :D

I want to join dance classes at Oschool now. :)

I hope I fulfil my dancing dream.

Praise God in everything. :) :)